Goblins and Friends

Adventures Among the Door-Breakers

Poog, Gravy and Mogmurch had just got back to Albion’s shop from the land of the cannon-happy non-Goblins with some new cannons to find that Albion had been fortifying hi shop against invaders. Unfortunately for Albion, the little pests managed to get in anyway and decided to “help” by adding a cannon to his defenses, sovereign-glued to the ceiling of the shop, pointing at the door. Downward-sloped, of course, so the cannonball wouldn’t stay in. Poog and Fevva were in discussion on how a falling cannonball could start a Rube Goldberg machine to fire assailants into the sun by frying an egg when Albion appraised the merry band of tiny terrorists of the problems in the area. Apparently, Zarongel had used the power of the giant crystals in some way and managed to make everyone start acting like goblins. The party thought that this sounded like some sort of goblin utopia. Albion thought, however, that everyone acting like goblins would be a bad thing. The Goblins couldn’t wrap their tiny brains around this concept until Albion told them that, with everyone actin like goblins, no-one would plant things or build things, so there wouldn’t be anything to burn. Unless, of course, someone figured out how to burn fire. Poog’s experiments into just this subject had not yet borne fruit, but he was hopeful (being an INT 8 character is fun sometimes). Nothing to burn was, of course, heresy. No-one making shinies for goblins to stea… uh, I mean borrow, was double heresy. No-one making cannons for the goblins to add to their airship (which was now about 75% cannons) or their village (about 90%) was triple heresy with a sin side salad.

Someone had to do something.

The goblins all thought about this and wondered who would take on such a mighty quest. It took them a few minutes to realise Albion meant for them to do something, and that involved going to Zarongel’s realm (yay, Poog gets to meet God again!) and either A) talk him into doing something about the goblin-thinking problem, B) blow up his crystals (which were in his personal care) or find a way to steal stuff until the problem went away or C) fixed the problem here on the Material Realm.

Inside the goblins brains this changed to A) talk to God, fun to do, and persuade him to stop goblinating the countryside, goblinating the peasants, goblinating all the peoples, and their thatched-roofed COTTAGEEEEEES! THEIR THATCHED-ROOFED COTTAGEEEEEEEESSSS!!!! Or B) sneak in somewhere and stealthily explode things, because you can totally do that like that one time when we blowed up those pirates so everyone could shop at Albions and… what were we doing again? Oh sorry Albion I’m listening honest! And C) blah, blah, blah, talk to normal peoples, boooooooooooooooooooooooo-ooooooooooooooo-ooooooooooooooo-red… ooh a shiney! Pounce on shiney and fight until shiny gets dropped and rolls way, awwww…

Guess which one the Goblins went for?

The goblins splurged the last of their cash at Albion’s shop and Plane Shifted away. Once in Hell the goblins approached the lair of flame-haired Zarongel, which was a mighty fortress with great walls at least twenty goblins tall. The goblins were stymied for a while on how to get in, until they realised they could all fly. And so could most of the denizens of the Nine Hells. Huh, the walls seem a tad redundant now. Once at the top, to save Mogmurch some of his skank-wing time and also because it’s cool, the goblins decided to grapple the keep from the curtain wall and rappel across. Gravy fired a rope arrow across, but it pinged off something and a fire raced back along the rope. Gravy dropped the rope, being smart. Poog, on the other had, is not smart. Since he’s invulnerable to fire, he decided to see what the new fire tasted like and put the rope in his mouth. Turns out hellfire is actually quite yummy but, being half unholy, kinda hurts. To stop this problem affecting everyone, Mogmurch used his new Boots of Teleportation to just teleport everyone on top of the keep. Once there, the goblins deliberated on what to do, but this made their thinky-bits hurt so they played with the artifact dice, which made Pugnus feel better, but made Gravy too emo to move for two days. The constant Bullet for My Valentine songs got even on Pugnus’ nerves. It would also help if any of them knew the lyrics, since everyone insisted on joining in and fights broke out about how to interpret the lines.

After two day first Poog and then Mogmurch got The Struggle one after the other, letting Gravy think properly and sing some proper goblin songs again. After this debacle, Gravy decided he didn’t like being here. It made him think like that one time when he didn’t have enough cider apples about four years ago last Wednesday. So he took his frustrations out on the roof, right where they were sitting, full attacking with the Maul of the Titans and smashing a hole straight down, which he promptly fell into. This attracted the attention of a nearby Horned Devil, who approached and demanded to know what the Hell the Goblins were doing. The Goblins tried to sell him a door, this having worked well the last time thy were in Hell. They even sovereign-glued a door into the hole they’d just made, emphasizing the advantages doors can bring to a hole by being able to be turned horizontally and being a trapdoor too! Mr Horned Devil responded by breaking the free sample. He then refused to pay for the door he clearly just broken in front of witnesses.

Oh, it is on Mister Door-Breaker.

Mogmurch electricity-bombed the Hell out of the Devil (hey, a pun!), since he was immune to most things they normally applied to a problem customer, which is fire, fire and more fire. Fevva, with her newly-upgraded twin Pepperbox pistols shot the Hell out the Devil, hitting with all four shots and critting the poor sod three times, putting out his eye and knocking his spiked chain out of his hands. 300+ damage later, the much-less enthusiastic Hellborn Door Murderer decided to ensure that didn’t happen again and full-attacked Fevva. Like many opponents, he was surprised when one of these little annoyances didn’t immediately splat. Gravy then pin-cushioned him and Mogmurch finished him off with bombs. Poog found the large +1 Unholy Spiked Chain made a fetching scarf (that was nearly the same weight as him). It was also a weapon he could wield at -8, but… cool scarf, man!

Inside the citadel, the Goblins found an Aspect of Asmodeus, who was looking for Zarongel too. Even they weren’t stupid enough to mess with him. They wandered about, unable to find Zarongel so they tried to find Imps instead, attempting to make them into hats. After a few hours of this, they stumbled on a secret room, but it was full of boring alchemy stuff so they found a better secret room. This had the crystals in. Gravy started to hulk out but they Plane Shifted the giant crystals back to Albion’s shop with only a little more effort. Back at Albion’s something new was happening, but we ended there, it being 4am and all.

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